Losing a parent at any age is unbearable, but when I was about to embark on an exciting new chapter of my life that I couldn’t wait to share, I lost my Mum completely unexpectedly and it knocked me for six. But from that sadness came an unbelievable life change that I never imagined would happen.
When I was younger I was lucky that my parents didn’t put any pressure on me to ‘grow up’ and settle down. Throughout my adult life they were just happy that I was happy, but hitting 40, with a string of failed relationships under my belt and friends around me getting married and having kids I knew that something needed to change. I just had no idea how such a dark experience of losing my Mum would trigger that change.
At 42 I’d spent over 20 years living and working in London, with the motto ‘living to work’ most definitely applying. I had a great career in the music industry, an incredible network of dear friends and was close enough to my childhood home to visit Mum whenever I wanted. Being an only child we were extremely close and we always joked that she lived vicariously through me. My silly showbiz stories made her immensely proud but also kept her feeling rather trendy and ‘in touch’ in her old age!
Then the unthinkable happened, Mum was diagnosed with an illness that affected her lungs so her active life of long dog walks and overseas holidays were abruptly brought to a halt. Hers was a rare form of cancer, misdiagnosed for years, so by the time she started chemo she had already deteriorated. The light in all this was that with chemo it wasn’t terminal, she’d need to make some major life changes but never did I imagine she’d lose the fight. Mum was superwoman, never even getting as much as a sniffle in years.
Meanwhile, during the summer of 2017 I started doing new things in order to meet new people as my social circle was getting rather insular and the guys I met pretty unreliable. Rock climbing was one hobby I took up and it was at an event that summer, when I’d almost given up on love that I met Marcus. We were sat round a campfire full of lots of outdoorsy types and just got chatting. When we messaged the next day and he actually text back and wanted to meet I couldn’t believe my luck. The only snag was the 100+ miles between us! Fast forward 2 months and having seen each other almost every weekend it dawned on me how easy, simple and extra special the relationship was. After just 3 months together he met Mum and when he fulfilled her extensive list of jobs when we visited, I got the green light from her!
It wasn’t until after her passing that my Godmother (Mum’s best friend) confessed to me that after that one meeting Mum apparently knew I was going to be taken care of and be OK. I guess she figured out he was ‘the one’ before I did!
The Autumn of 2017 was bittersweet on so many levels. Marcus and I were going from strength to strength whilst back at my childhood home (Nettlefold), Mum was losing her sparkle and her fight.
During the early Winter of 2017, almost 6 months in, Marcus and I were starting to discuss how we could be closer together. Who would make the compromise and move, how could we make it work with our jobs and so on. We knew that next step was imminent however being in West London, with Mum just 45mins away in Surrey I couldn’t imagine how I was going to move. I had to get back to her every week to help her with chores, hospital appointments and the like. Being an only child (Mum and Dad had separated when I was a child), much of those things lay at my door and the responsibility of being there for her was one I couldn’t just step away from.
On 21st December 2017 I was heading home for the festive season. Christmas during my adult life had never been something I looked forward to. Being an only child, and single, seeing all my friends with their new husbands or going back to their families for fun and games made me pine for a bigger family of my own. Her sickness that year made me dread that time at home even more.
On 22nd December I’d cooked Mum one of her favourites but she really wasn’t feeling at all well, sick, exhausted and just fed up. We sat and watched TV as she dozed and it was then I decided to mention about the year ahead; Marcus and I wanting to move in together. I played it down as didn’t want her to think I was deserting her but she just said ‘Wow’, a happy ‘wow’ and the relief at that moment that all was going to be OK filled me not just with relief but complete joy at my future ahead.
Waking up on 23rd December started like any other day for me, with brekkie and a dog walk before checking in on Mum, but that night she had peacefully slipped away and my life was thrown in to complete turmoil and confusion. It was almost as if she’d been able to let go, knowing that I was going to be OK.
Losing a parent happens to most of us at some point in our lives, but by one chapter of my life coming to such an abrupt end it was almost as though it gave me the space and motivation to start the next. Within months I had moved out of London, started afresh in Oxfordshire (halfway between mine and Marcus’ homes) and a year later I found myself pregnant, about to start a new family of my own.
On clearing out stuff from Mum’s loft, with a growing bump, I came across stacks of old poems my Grandad had written for me as a little girl and the moment was serendipitous. I had a wonderful relationship with him, we created magical imaginary worlds and friends. I was transported back to my childhood just as I was about to bring a new child in to the world. I felt compelled to do something positive with those words, to remind us all of the importance of family and beauty of the childhood imagination. My little boy won’t ever get to know his Grandma which so often fills me with such sadness, but I’m keeping her memory alive through sharing my childhood with him, of those happy days spent at Nettlefold.
-------------------
Through Nettlefold Zoe sells greeting cards, prints and happy gifts featuring excerpts from Zoe’s Grandad’s poems and beautiful illustrations which bring the characters to life.
www.nettlefoldhome.co.uk / @nettlefoldhome